ON SELF-ESTEEM.
when you beat yourself up too much.
So, here’s the thing:
I can't help but marvel at those who prance around with unflinching confidence— or perhaps those who manage to flawlessly fake it. How is it that they somehow “naturally” stand tall and light up a room when they enter it? How do they speak like they’ve got their entire life sorted, whilst I am always tripping over my own words?
I fantasize about not turning beet red when I mess up, not being terrified to ask when I don’t have a clue, and not fearing to explain when I actually do. I wish I could consider criticism without spiraling into a whirlwind of self-flagellation and accept compliments with the shocking realization that I might deserve them. I wish I could be proud of my accomplishments, the small steps I take, and the significant outcomes they bring.
The harsh truth? I constantly feel like I’m lagging behind, weighed down by a hefty load of insecurities and doubts.
So, how on earth can I ditch this weight and envision -God forbid- a reality where I extend the same kindness to myself as I do to others?
Ladies and gents: my self-care chronicles, starring my never-ending battle with ✨low self-esteem✨.
WAIT, WHAT?
Self-esteem is our subjective opinion of our abilities and value.
Ancestrally, our go-to method for figuring out how much we suck is by comparing ourselves to others.
Now, if your past is a delightful cocktail of -to name a few- trauma, abuse, nonstop criticism, bullying, and rejection, you're basically handed a lifelong message: “You're never good enough”. These charming encounters carve our central beliefs, and when these beliefs are soaked in negativity, your self-esteem is in for a major beating.
WHAT KEEPS THE TORTURE GOING
Negative Biases
When our central beliefs are overly negative, there’s no way on earth we’re going to acknowledge our strengths, achievements, or compliments. Instead, we tend to ignore any positive information about ourselves. But oh, how we L-O-V-E to marinate in our weaknesses, mistakes, or criticism!
The equation is the following:
📎For instance, I had convinced myself I was absolutely dreadful when making music. If anyone were to compliment my “performance”, I’d dismiss it as mere politeness. But if anyone dared to criticize me, I’d grip to it for dear life, delving into an ocean of self-sabotage and self-deprecating thoughts, and taking it as undeniable proof that I indeed suck.
2. Rules for living
To pat those beliefs on the back, we develop some pretty absurd rules. Since “I’m not talented enough”, I’ll do my best to avoid putting myself out there because “if I don’t sing, then no one will know how much I suck.” As ridiculous as it may seem, we’re capable of implementing very rigid and unrealistic behaviors to keep those beliefs from hissing at us.
3. Self-defeating behaviors
Those negative beliefs lead us to whip up some truly gloomy predictions. So, as a self-defense mechanism, we develop self-defeating behaviors by avoiding things or taking unnecessary precautions. The result? We never actually get to test if our doom-and-gloom predictions are accurate.
📎For instance, if you’re convinced you don’t fit in, you’ll predict people will ignore you. So, you either break your back trying to blend in by hiding your true self or skip the social gathering altogether. Naturally, you'll then berate yourself for being “boring,” dive into more depression and isolate yourself further.
WHAT’S THE FIX THEN?
Alright, here’s the scoop: throughout my years of grappling with low self-esteem, I’ve come to realize that these beliefs aren’t facts; they’re just opinions, and opinions do change. It’s not a lost cause after all 😁.
Living up to those strict rules didn’t just cramp my self-confidence, it also meant I missed out on plenty of chances to receive helpful feedback, form new relationships, and seize new opportunities in general. And when I neglect my needs, I feed the negative thoughts.
STARVING OVERLY NEGATIVE CENTRAL BELIEFS.
Get to know yourself again
At my lowest, I felt like a complete stranger to myself; I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was absolutely crucial to reconnect with my values, passions, and the deep moving forces of my soul. I had to actually write down the things that fulfilled me, and why they did so.
Looking at the negative thoughts dead in the eye
Take a moment to write them down – you’ll soon realize just how biased, utterly wrong, and completely outdated they are. Keep an eye out for any thought that tries to discount your positive qualities and shoot that sucker down. Write down your achievements no matter how modest they may seem. List your strengths, capture compliments, and indulge in a little self-affirmation whenever those pesky negative thoughts start to take over.
MAKING NEW RULES FOR LIVING
What are you up to daily?
When we’re tangled up in our thoughts, we lose sight of what our authentic self really craves and ditch activities we enjoy out of fear. That’s how I almost quit singing for years. I needed to remind myself how much joy making music brings me. Isn’t that what really matters? Doing something you love, and being genuinely happy doing it?
Habits improve energy levels, boost mood, and build self-esteem. So, indulge in the ones that make you feel good about yourself.
Set yourself a challenge
Goals are what propel us through this mundane existence. Start small, dabble in new things like picking up a skill or testing out a hobby, and give yourself credit for the effort.
Now about these goals 🙄: if your standards revolve around external goals (beauty, fame, wealth, and power), you've practically set yourself up for an endless game of catch-up. This gap between where you are and where you think you should be only causes distress and lowers your self-esteem. Of course, I’m not suggesting you toss those goals out the nearest window. However, if you truly want to nurture healthy self-esteem, shift your focus inward. By redirecting our gaze away from ourselves toward others, building connections, and nurturing relationships, we can cultivate such essential virtues as compassion, gratitude, and ultimately, unconditional self-acceptance.
Socialize and spill your guts
Research has proven that surrounding yourself with positive relationships boosts self-esteem.
Feeling extra brave? How about sharing your imperfections with others, you’d be surprised at the beauty in vulnerability. According to Dr Brené Brown, vulnerability is the birthplace of positive emotions like joy, love, intimacy, empathy, and creativity. When we try to beat vulnerability, it becomes hard for us to soften in these emotions.
To wrap it up:
We try our hardest to live in the moment, eyes glued to our feet only. And I think that maybe we try too hard. I believe in the part of us that's yearning to take a leap into the unknown. Because “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”.
Embracing vulnerability, challenging our negative thoughts, and setting new, fulfilling goals can lead to a life where we extend the same kindness to ourselves as we do to others.
So hey, take my hand, let’s jump 💌 —
Sources:
Working on your self-esteem - NHS
Positive Relationships Boost Self-Esteem, and Vice Versa
Further readings:
Let Go of Perfectionism and Embrace Your Mediocre Self- Here It Goes by Grace Trimble
Do You Suffer From Deep Rooted Feelings of Not Being Good Enough? - Abnormally Normal by Ali Hall
On Comparison - Good Enough Mindfulness by Elizabeth Watkins Price
Oh that perpetual cycle. Damn self-esteem! Nicely written.